Words by Maya Hart | Photographs by Mia Maraschino
I’ve always have had a habit of avoiding things that I am not good at. Every moment spent engaging in these activities felt like a public declaration of my own failure. If other people can do it so easily, why can’t I? What does that say about me? These thoughts are actually quite common in this industry – you are not alone.
I want to acknowledge that I cannot ‘fix’ this issue for anyone, including myself. If you are struggling with thoughts of self-doubt and self-worth, it can be a symptom of a mental illness – which is true for myself as well. Please reach out to a counsellor if you need to talk about self-esteem and deprecation. You are loved and valued in your community regardless of your level or experience.
They say technique is a muscle you keep working to improve. The same can be said about becoming more comfortable in being ‘bad’ and having fun. But it doesn’t end there. Keep dreaming, keep believing and keep achieving. Only you can create the life you want to live!
I remember feeling ashamed for repeating Babydoll Sling. A lot of lovely people reassured me that it was okay, but I felt like I was the only person who wasn’t moving up. I had been practising so much, but I wasn’t ready. However, I have no idea how much other people in my classes struggled with the syllabus. I didn’t notice them because I was focusing so much on myself, in my own head, about how much I sucked. It wasn’t fun. I didn’t make any friends. It was so bad that I interpreted all encouraging claps directed towards me as pity applause, because I wasn’t doing anything applause worthy.
But in the wonderful wise words of Miss Mouse, “They are applauding your effort” – and I really was trying so hard!
For me, the inner turmoil about being bad only lessened when I finally achieved something I had been struggling with for so long. I was overcome with joy when I finally did the Wrapped Set and Roll Up to Romeo in sling. My technique still isn’t great but my journey leading up to finally managing it has made these my favourite moves. However, at first, I would look at the photos of me doing them and my joy went away. I could see so many issues with it. The more I looked at it, the worse I felt. I have always been my worst critic. I recently asked for a photo of myself in a Wrapped Seat for this article despite my concerns about my technique because I want to demonstrate that you deserve to celebrate your achievements – even if your technique isn’t perfect yet.
The most important thing to recognise is that there are likely more people in your class who have or have had similar experiences. Humans are complicated creatures and there are so many variables to their bodies and abilities. We have all walked different roads to get to where we are today. Some of us have had absolutely no dance or aerial experience, some of us have been dancing or doing gymnastics since they were small children. Some of us have remnants of injuries that cause some shapes to be difficult, perhaps even near impossible. Some of us have chronic diseases. You can’t tell someone’s experience just by looking at them. I remember being shocked when others were struggling too. I can promise you that this isn’t a ‘you’ thing: being challenged by the syllabus and/or struggling with a constant, internal monologue critiquing your progress is a widespread occurrence.
It’s easy to disregard small steps for not being good enough, but all progress is progress.
I personally struggle with grip strength, and while I can’t do a Flip Mount or a Lasso Invert, I am getting closer and closer to achieving these things every term. I have just started my fifth term of Pearls Sling (which I am no longer ashamed to admit), and even though my progress is slow, I’ve finally started Emeralds Sling. Small steps forward are actually indicative of long-term progress.
I recently completed my first term of Babydoll Burlesque. A moment we shared towards the end of the term showed me the dichotomy of obsessing over all of the things that I have done wrong and finding joy in those moments instead. We were tying together our sexy, cat-on-the-prowl walks with sensuous facial expressions that demand attention from our audience. I remember thinking to myself “don’t fall over!” yet I did. I couldn’t keep my balance. This time, it didn’t wish for the Earth to swallow me whole. In fact, I laughed really hard about it. I continued my cat-on-the-prowl walk which was more like a cat with two legs trying to keep balance. It was liberating to fail so dramatically and actually have fun.
You deserve to celebrate your progress, even if it looks different.
Celebrate small steps forward like inching closer and closer to achieving a Flip Mount. You don’t need to successfully achieve the final shape for your progress to matter.
Of course, it is easier said than done. You are working hard to strengthen this muscle every week. You will have good and bad days, and so will everyone else. Taming your inner monologue of self-criticism and doubt is a journey that takes time, sweat and tears. In the meantime, try to find moments of peace within yourself when you take steps forward for a moment. Laugh through the awkward body rolls. Twirl your pasties in Burlesque with enthusiasm or grab your breasts and twirl them manually!